beauty and the beast

Mood

I mean, food's cool and all.
It tastes good and you need it to live, but the mere act of eating involves thoughts of digestion, flatulation, defecation, even, shall we say, complexion defection.

---name that quote

blowin me

I desperately want to like this man's new music. JC Chasez. I also want him to be gay. I wonder. Is there any question? And yet he's had such high profile relationships...well sorta high profile (eva longoria, tara r......ok never mind high profile. ) Can you all give me some gossip to go on with this one. I've heard so many...friends of a friend screwed JC, he begged for it like the little piggy that he is. ..........more more more. his music has sucked though...and i want it to be better. Here's to hoping.

Anyway. Last night I ate a huge thing of Brussel Sprouts Au Gratin. That shit was good. I like me some brussel sprouts...i really do. A lot. My stomach, however, revolts against them. This was the case when i woke up this morning. Generally, in the morning kevin and I have a cuddle session. He rubs up against me like a cat in heat...........this morning I warned him that wasn't such a good idea. And since that alarm went off i've been running all around. Actually when i got to work, I had to drop my bag at the front door..eyes as wide as clementine oranges, sweat pouring down my neck, goosebumps on my whole body....i made it without a split second to spare. BAM !!!!!!!!!!!!
I think it's done now. But man. It was tough going so far on this friday april 27.

happy thoughts - nate

looks like you've been eatin paste..

• I drive to work sometimes, sometimes i take the train, other times i ride my bike. I am very very versitile in some areas of my life. With any, or all, of the various modes of transportation I end up cursing someone, or thing, out. I find myself yelling at that jackass in front of me in the parking garage who is going -5 mph to get that spot all the way on top....or even, sometimes i throw a minor temper tantrum when it begins to rain and I am on my bike. My sweet ass melts, mamma nature. Anyway, this day, today....i am frustrated like no other day. I can't pinpoint why. I think it's because i had to go to Target before work today to get dog food. It's so annoying.....i was haulin ass all over philly to get that dog some food. The nerve of him huh?

• This guy. This guy at the gym. He makes me feel uneasy. The way he stares. He's older, well -built (what does well - built mean anyway - shouldn't that describe a car.... or toaster?) It's uncomfortable and it's strange. I try to keep my mind off the fact that he is always staring. Then i begin to reflect...do i do that? To the guy who has grown his hair out and is so so tan, and straight....does he get funny feelings from me?

• No. I don't stare, i don't have lingering stares. Mine are fast, like a toads tongue - sticky and flashy. and leave you feeling like you've missed something. I tend not to look longingly at people. Over the last month though i've tried something different. I realized that i don't present myself well. I tend to lower my head when meeting someone else's glances. In an act of low self esteem i pump downwards with my neck. So in the last month, i've literally kept my head held high. And i have to report, it makes a difference.

• People recieve you with higher regard when you are able to assert your worth in the first seconds of gesture. My little lesson for the day...seems easy and simplistic, but it took work for me to be aware of this. And I am so so much more popular as a result now.

Seacrest .....out.

get behind me

My sketchy ass is off the ambien. Off. For the last week. Which has begun to make things interesting in our household....well at least for me. The new trend. I fall asleep sorta fast, then toss and turn all night long, which is why come 10pm the next night, my eyes is shuttin'. Another thing......on ambien, i didn't dream....i just didn't.

This morning i woke up, looked around, and said to myself...thank jesus...it was just a dream. You see last night....i went to a bath house. I did. In my dream. So odd....there were women there, which felt completely normal in the dream....and treadmills. I've no idea what all that means. Only that, the night before my dreams were about a psycho killer on the loose, who killed people, like Sylar does on Heroes. And i was killed....totally sucked.

Well at least last night i made it out alive...but it was so weird.

Alright kiddos...talk to ya later.

Nate

you know, that i'm no good

Nagin, of New Orleans Nagin, came to Philly recently to check out some Urban initiative that Philly has adopted to help transition some of our less purty places into more purty places....i could be wrong on that, but that's what i got out of it. Well He went back to New Orleans and told his constituents that Philly is dirrrrrtyyyyy.
Back here, in Dirtadelphia, some folks are upset by his remarks. I am not. Our city is so full of litter, trash everywhere. And it makes me steamy hot to see people litter. And so so many times I've been at a loss on how to handle someone who litters.
So I ask you, Phillyduo constituents......how do you all handle when you see that little girl throw a candy wrapper on the ground? Also, how do you handle when you see Tu pac open his car door and chuck a case of empty beer cans out of it?
So many times i want to say something, but I know, in general that no good will come out of it, in most cases. I am likely to get my ass whooped...good and hard. It's a catch 22 really.

and yes, i am asking for comments, zoot alors. .....i know, just do it and stop complaining already.
Love ya love ya.
Nate

these little things we hide

Basic needs. Talk amongst yourselves.

fresh

pensive in ft l

tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

Back from Florida.

The sunshine state. It felt fantastic to be in warm weather for a few days, particularly when the weather here in Philly was like a bull with his nuts cut off.

I've promptly put my mind on hold with regard to processing the last week and my trip. It's on hold until i know i am better equipped to deal with the outcome.

Having said that, i have come up with a few things in general...........

• I know that I want to have a more full life.
• I know that I am the only one who can make that happen.
• I know that somewhere colors are more vibrant, and that grey isn't so dark.
• I know that I only have one life to live. I also know that living each day as though it's my last doesn't mean that I have to live it dangerously.
• I know that everyone's "dangerously" is different and i have to find mine.

In less cryptic terms, the people in Southern Florida are quite nice. The queers anyway. We met so many nice nice people in less than 48 hours. Honestly. Of course most of them were trying to get a little something something...but can't blame them for trying.

The clothing optional resort, thats a whole other story. One that makes me feel a little bit dirty, and a little bit more alive too.

dragonfly out in the sun

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Reeds driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawnI
t's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

LFBS

Live Free Be Strong

Yup
Ruff Riders.

In any event. The rain in Spain. It ain't fun here in Philly. That's fer sure.

Noah has terrible gas tonight and Kevin thinks it's me. The rain is leaking into our basement. I am bloated from eating all weekend long. and yet I am peaceful in some weird way.
i am still ok. A little anxious about the meeting. A little bit. I honestly have no idea what I am walking into when i meet my father again. It's so strange. It really is. I mean, do i bring a card? A get well card? He ain't getting weller. And i just don't' know. My tendency is to minimize, to deconstruct it, so it isn't so bad.
I will be fine, i know that (thank you Matty for the words of encouragement)
kevin will be with me, and for that i am grateful. And mostly, i am grateful for this opportunity.

Hey - google Sacha Sacket. He's got the goods man. I tell the truth. Nice.

Often today i've found myself thinking of the past. for a few reasons. Well, for the obvious reasons, also....it's like a ghost. I've seen some things lately that make me feel white with surprise. People and places that i've long since moved past, but seem to be following, seem to be chipping away at the memory of times gone by. I like it, thinking of where i've come from and my choices to let those things be part of the past, instead of the present and future. I am happy with these choices. I am.
so goodbye, for good. some of it.

Tonight, it was a small moment. Kevin.
he was walking down the street with me in the pouring rain, he couldn't get his umbrella up, and it was the smallest thing.....the way he put his hood on. The way he did it, the way he looked. The soft contour of how he moved. I knew. I know. I am happy with these choices. I am. The way you tip your hat.....or the way you sip your tea !!!

they can bloody well just try it

I am actually puuurty excited to go and see this man on Saturday night. It's the lead singer from The Feeling, whom I have come to like a lot. Their music is right on, as far as i am concerned. He's gay too, which is hot. Saturday night is at the TLA and it's a VH1, You Outta Know concert ???? Who knew? Anyway it's Mat Kearny, Rocco Deluca, and The Feeling. Stoked. really am.

wasted

Never tear us apart......

Ain't no joke. I had, just had, to post this. It's a veterinarian's arm in those steel jaws.
In Taiwan. Can you believe that? the article goes on to say that they successfully attached it back to the man.
WOWza.
That has to hurt man.

the duck jumps out of the pond

Peter and the Wolf.

As a child in pre school my teacher put this record on for us as we ate our mid morning snack. I remember it being a dreary day, which meant we couldn't go out and play smear the queer (kidding, was too young for that) I was paralyzed the instant the needle hit the record and music was generated. The music was so frightening to me that I screamed and hid in the corner. I remember this as though it were yesterday. I was petrified.....cried for days about this. The music was so loud and scary, and the music for when the wolf ate the duck....well I nearly lost my shit. Really. PARALYZING. To this day i am attached to this music. Such was my introduction to Prokofiev. As of late, I've been digging some classical music in my mornings at work. Soothing...well for the most part....sometimes when the wolf show up i still get a little nauseous.

So this coming Monday we are Florida bound. My father. Yeah, i never went a few months back, avoidance. I came to find out this past weekend that i can't avoid it any longer. So an emergent trip to Miami/Ft. Lauderdale. We are actually staying in one of the gay resort places, which is good. I am incredibly anxious about it. VERY. He keeps talking to me about being the executor of his estate...?????? anyway - not good, and since i haven't seen him in over 10 years, well......very anxiety producing. I'll make it, and i am sure it will be fine. I am thinking of having him read a letter when i get there. I just don't want him to lie or embellish anything. After all these years, all i want, ALL I WANT, is honesty. I'll be able to see through the bullshit if he produces it, but hopefully i can set the expectation that he needn't talk shit. We'll see. Wish me luck.
Kevin is going with me which is great. I hope he isn't too bored. Alright kids.

Talk to you later.

Nate

oh and "matthew" thank you for the comment on kev's cute pic. whoever you are !!!!!

sometimes it just feels right

flames to dust.

Several things today. Several.

Lost is working me out. Last weeks episode with the two being buried alive had me in such a manic state i couldn't get ahold of myself. Honest. I cannot believe it. I feel so so bad for them, so little time on the show and then to be buried alive......YUCK ! Thinking about that sort of thing happening makes me want to scream and run far far away. (high drama here today)

Vacation for the summer is turning out to be a challenge. this past summer i really didn't love Ptown. At all. I don't' really want to go back there. At all. Everyone else is fine with it, but then that leaves me having to come up with an alternative to PTown. Fire Island, sure fine. But it's so involved to get a place up there. I am stuck. Suggestions? HELP !

Tracy Thorn is someone who is constantly on my Ipod. I love her, well, i like her a lot. And i hadn't really been into her before. Not like this. It's fun to discover someone. And she's been here all along. Silly boy.

Fergie. I don't begin by liking her songs. It takes me some time to warm up to them. Such was it with Glamorous. I did not like it all. Then, they played it during commercials for the Academy Awards....and i was like Huh? Anyway, the other night, sleeplessness was plaguing me, and i could not get that damn song out my head !!! stupid. I spelled G L A M O R O U S around 58 times repeatedly.

I watched Marie Antoinette the other day. I liked it enough. Did anyone else notice though, at one point they were showing all these high couture shoes she has...and right smack in the middle of the shot were a pair of Converse Chucks..........I kid you not. did anyone else see that crap?

Going to VA for the weekend, catch ya late kids.

Actually we are going to DC tonight, visiting our friend Lou.....not sure if we'll make it out or not. If so, say hi, if not .....sorry.

why do all good things come to an end?

she stoops to conquer

This movie has me in something of an uproar. I have loved the last few Tar. movies. A lot. These look pretty over the top, with lots of violence and sht. But i don't care. The dirt of it makes my p quiver.
SOoooooo last night at 5pm we get an email from some friends, asking us to go to the Christina A concert......stating that if we wanted to go --- to be at BUMP at 6.....we couldn't make it. How annoying is that?
Instead we had a fab dinner at Mercato....it's the best place around as far as i'm concerned. Today am feeling a little groggy and off balance, but it's all good g. Nothing too dangerous. Our new roomate is doing wonderfully, i really think that he's a good guy and we'll get along great !

In other news, I work in Camden, NJ. In case you din't know. I sometimes take the train back and forth to Philly over the Delaware River. The last two times i've done this, while I am waiting for the train, I have run into some mild eye sores. In both instances i was observing a couple. Both couples are totally out of their minds on heroin...really looks like heroin to me, and completely incoherant . It's so so sad, yet i can't stop watching them. The first couple was the worst. The guy started to rub the girls va jay jay, and then she mounted him and started grinding .............and almost fell asleep right there on top of him. so sad !!!

speaking of that:

Anyone watch Intervention on A & E? Good stuff man. Good stuff, check it out !!!!! It's so disturbing sometimes that i have to actually change the channel.

and it really makes me wonder..

Golden. Just golden my friend. Thats how i felt this morning. We had a great weekend, and last night was perfect. Friday night was fun and hilarious with all us crazies gathering to play Catch Phrase.....if you've never played it, got get it and play...much fun, and stress.
Saturday was perfect, if not tiring.
We went out late night Saturday, getting home around 5:30 in the morning. That was almost too much, but it was all good. The mood was fun, got a little boring halfway through the night. We ended up being safe and sound, no problems, to the best of my knowledge. however - OFFICIALLY - done going out for a while. Enough bar crap. Thats that!
***Of note: standing at the bar some guy turns to me, and tells me that he reads the blog.....so nice !!! Thanks for saying hi !!!!!
Anyway - last night we saw The Curse of the Golden Flower. Visually - it was like crack....unreal. The story was a little weak for me, but i loved it regardless.

Watch and listen to the new Maroon 5 song. "Makes Me Wonder"

Hot hot hot. That Adam Levine is nice.
Alright folks,
pork out - nate