get up get up....

I woke up giggling this morning. I have no idea what was going on in my mind, but I was laughing my ass off the last hour of my slumber. My whole night was full of dreams….and let me tell you, according to my dreams I am the walking dead right now, one of the walking dead who got his bum plugged.
The dream.
A hot vampire was after me all night long, and he got me, but it was a secret that he was a gay vampire, so much so that he had to pretend to like the ladies and kill them too….at any rate he did me, yes he did me in that way, which does not happen in real life, and then bite my neck to turn me just like him.
The weirdest thing about all of this is what has stuck with me all day, what I can’t get out of my head.
It was the sensation of our vampire teeth kissing, it would hurt so badly, because the teeth, you know, the pointy teeth, were too big in our mouths……so weird, but we kept kissing.
Then I awoke, as I pointed out already, laughing out loud. And after all that dreaming, well …….thank goodness my real man was next to me.
That’s all. A little look into my twisted head while I am supposed to be in a resting state.

Umm, other than that, not much goin down. Halloween weekend used to be such a thing for me, but for this year, I just don’t’ know. We usually head up to NYC, but it ain’t flying this year. Actually might not even go out, which would be ok too. You know, adulthood and all. But who knows.
Who ? I mean, last year we were at Allegria…CroBar. Ouch. That was sorta off.
Alright gotta jet kids, have fun, be safe and watch for the spooks !

my little lovies

 

oh diane

 

we all get it in the end

Went to see this last night. Ah. You know, at times i felt like it was sorta too over the top, but by the end of the movie I was in love with the movie. It was delicious. I mean it, gotta go check it out. Most haunting though, was that I feel like i know the guy who played ceth...he is the guy in the upper right corner of this picture. I swear i've met him somewhere....I know he's in nyc, but i don't think i met him there. Well anyway - the actors were wonderful....the sex and all was great, but the story and the emotion of it was the most appealing part of the movie. Interesting and provocative...and thoughtful.

Tonight is a birthday dinner party for our friend John. Tonight is going to be hard for me, for many reasons......and I am not looking forward to my internal dialogue tonight, although i do look forward to the challenge. Anyway, tomorrow is also a full day, party at 2pm tomorrow. Should be totally fun and I am looking forward to being in the country with the leaves changing. Metaphorically, leaves are changing, so are we. Thats all. I know.

Grey's Anatomy continues to move me and fill my weeks with pleasure. So damn good. So good.
Also - if you guys have not seen the Ellen clip from when Jeff Corwin was on it this week. He brought a snake on and it is hilarious. The snake explores Ellen's sissy and it's frickin hilarious. it's on Youtube i think. Check it out.
alright boys and ladies.
have a nice weekend.
Oh - one last thing. I love Boone. I love him.

it's cold and hard and petrified....

This does feel different. It does. I guess it sucks to draw from past expereinces, but you kinda have to. To try and figure out what you've learned already and what you have to learn in the future.

I've learned already that pain does have a point. And it's usually worth the trouble you've gone through to get the point. More on that later I suppose.

Life continues though. Something I am faced with right now. You see we've been invited to many things, tonight a birthday party. Friday night a birthday dinner party. Saturday a pumpkin patch party in buck's county. More party's the following week. What I dont' know what to do is negotiate those things. Life doesn't stop, nor should it, just because of a little spilt milk. The things I know are that socializing generally makes me feel better.....and that friends feel like home. We'll go these events, together, because we are together. Because we are going to make it better. But it feels wierd having fun. It's my issue. Like I should still be sitting shiva.

But life goes on man, it moves all around you, and i guess you make the decision to move with it, or to fight an upstream current.

I think i choose the easier of the two. And have faith. Faith in 7 years. And faith in my heart.

Lastly.

I think that jess simpson's new video is hot. HOT. "I belong to me".

i wish i had a river

I don't know what to say. I really don't. And I apologize for that. life challenges us for a reason. It bitch slaps you when you're just enjoying the sun and sand. I know i've gone through things in my life in order to show me just how damn strong i am. Then sometimes, life supershoots some shit at you, and you're like "what is this for? what can i do with this?"
So it came to be in the last week and a half. Displaced and broken, I found myself shoving back at life.... and the shit.
And then another door opened and what i can tell you for now, is that having had a chance to breathe a bit, we are putting things into a clearer perspective and figuring it out. What IT is, goes unseen to both of us now......being in love. never easy. nor should it be. when something can bring you to your knees like that, it damn well better not be easy. This blog has never been about love and roses, but.....i would be remiss if i didn't tell you all. I love my Kevin. That is the one true thing. And I can't speak for him, but I know we're in the same boat. So anyway.
Some one wise once said to me
"Keep your head up -- you'll need to see where you're going next."
Head up and eyes wide open baby.
In life,
Nate

you could be happy, but i won't know....

Last Wednesday I was singing Karaoke at a bar with my boyfriend smiling at me from the barstool. This Wednesday I was thinking about how quickly my life fell apart.

I woke up today at another one of my friend’s houses….the second in three days and I felt ok. I didn’t sob, I didn’t fall to the ground in a heaping mess of severe pain. I washed up, dried off, put on my wrinkled work clothes and opened the door of the house to go to Starbucks..the cool autumn air hit me and i fell apart.
I can't even explain how this feels...so i won't try. The people on the street who stop to ask me if i'm ok, I wonder what they think is wrong. Do they think i lost my pet? A relative? Do they think I was fired from my job?
It's pathetic. I know it is, but knowing that doesn't stop it from happening. There is no controling it.
I was wrong in the other post when i said i'd been here before. I was so wrong. I have never been here. Ever.

and for the tiniest moment, it's all not true.
do the things that you always wanted to.
without me there holding you back,
don't think, just do.

every thing you think you have, baby, is gone.

It's wierd, how the rug can be ripped out from underneath you and your world turns right upside down and your humbled, to the point of nausea.

I won't lie. I won't leave it in the dark and be elusive like in the past on this blog. I just can't.
As Madonna says.....Artistic expression.
Or therapy.


I've been here before. In make believe and in real time. I have been here before.
Somehow though, i feel like these two men, getting ready to be killed off in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. I'm toast, man. Toast.

touched for the very fist time...like a ...........

 

my two feet can't find the way

 

all that i can't ignore...

If having to go back to several locations to retrieve forgotten belongings from the night before is any indication of a good time, we had a fan fuckingtastic time this past weekend. For the first time in many many years I lost my shirt.
When i was single i would loose a shirt once a weekend almost.
Odd.
or not.
We also left my blazer and our digital camera at the Boys in the Country Party.
Which was fierce. I want to go back a week so that i can fully appreciate the fun it was. We had a blast - bitches worked the country theme out. Inclulding a huge shed in the back yard which housed the sling. above the sling hanging down was a campaign poster.
It read...
Santorum.
Ah.
Kevin said something really really funny to me. One of the nights a boy was flirting with me pretty hardcore.
The next day kevin said "You better leave that drag queen alone".
Very funny, you had to be there.
Good times.
I am off to Nashville tomorrow night. Will try to post tomorrow, but if not....play a Dolly track for me over the weekend.