finding it where i can,

You'd be surprised how many people violate this simple principle every day of their lives and try to fit square pegs into round holes, ignoring the clear reality that Things Are As They Are.


So yesterday i had time to kill before i went to a very special dinner with some very special people. I had about an hour. My intent was to go buy some shoes from Puma and maybe a special pick me up from diesel.....but much to my faggoty little dismay i could not find what i wanted.....so i continued walking up to Rittenhouse square, sat for a minute on the concrete and just watched.
in the fountain stood a man with a bubble machine, which quietly streamed out bubbles, peaceful bubbles.
he also had this big assed wand thingy that blew out more huge aggressive bubbles...anyway i was surreal in a way and all was feeling ok. it was then i knew that i had to find just the right book to read this weekend, a meaningful and thought provoking one....so i hauled myself to Branes n Noble. Could not find one, almost got "A prayer for owen meany", and thought better of it, then almost got "the trouble boy", which is a gay book about a 20 something in nyc for the first time, and given my current state, i thought it might not be a good idea (and vapid to boot). anyway it was then that i thought of two books i had at home, The Tao of Pooh and At Swim, Two Boys.
Have read pooh, and find it entirely motivational and deterministic - or not, depending on how theoretical you are.
The other book, have tried to read once, but never made it through. It might be just what the doc ordered.

anyway - two of my most fav quotes, from above and this one...is perhaps my most treasured quote.....tender.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind, "Pooh!," he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.
"I just wanted to be sure of you."

bowling ball in my stomach - got a desert in my mouth

so we are on our way tomorrow to Fire Island once again. I can't tell you how very very very much I am looking forward to this. The sand, the trees, the ferry ride over, the smell of the wood walkways baking in the sun................. It's all so much part of how I identify relaxation. Hoping to come back feeling revitalized and ready to conquer some new challenges and set some new goals !!!!!!!!!
Only to go to Ptown two weeks from that - but hey - it's been one helluva summer....one helluva summer indeed.



and ps - in case you all couldn't see, most of my entry titles are lyrics from songs - entirely too dramatic for everyone - but it's where i am, and thats all she wrote.
ciao bella

natie.

it's good, no? well i think so.....and so many more where that comes from, getty images really love love love the futball playas......

easy rider 

so....this is how it all starts....always..... 

the thought has occured to me....i'd like to go to hogwarts...just until this spell passes. I began to watch Harry Potter: The Prisoner of Azcaban (no idea how to spell that) and I was instantly reminded of being an only child and how creative I had to be in order to keep myself from dying of lonliness.
I would invent many worlds and creatures, always humming the music from "Indian Jones" in my head as i ran through the woods. Sometimes it really seems like that was a different life, like it was someone else.
Yet I realize I do that sort of thing on a daily basis, still a dreamer, still creating adventures - for better or for worse....still humming a soundtrack.
nate

I think so...don't you?  

Everything's dirty Howard, but we all do our best -huh?

have you seen the shoes with springs on them? They have a high heel, that is a spring, as in "tigger-like" springs....how to describe it? its funny as shit man.
when we first moved to philly this little store opened that i would pass on my way to my horrid job, the store was near Jefferson Hospital - so i suppose these shoes are made for health care professionals, to give support or something....who the fuck knows, but anyway the store closed within the year. and i thought these little shoes were not to be seen again.
yesterday at the gym, while i was lamenting some sad song on my ipod, and trying to do a good shoulder workout, my eyes caught ....well first i must say my eyes were caught by this guy's packaging......somewhat disturbing, not sure what was stuffed down there, but my eye level was level with the whole......member area. Anyway my eyes quickly moved away, downward, and don't you know that man had on spring shoes. boing. boing.
I am increasingly disturbed by what people think is appropriate for the gym, i mean, yeah i know...to each his own and everything.....and to some degree thats fine. But these men, these men who walk around the gym in next to nothing, and sporting a viagra-like woody....well i just dont get it. Keep it in the showers, steam room, wherever, but on the floor......let's just do squats and be happy. ok? ok.

from pink.....i just had to. 

live to tell

I am able to live to tell. Yup sirree bob.

I am also a year older now, officially. 33. Not a bad age. Not a bit upset about the age itself.

The party was great. kev estimates around 60-70 peeps were there. I would agree...it went by so fast. I totally fucking needed it. To feel more grounded.
As I have moved through time and space I've picked up many many things - friends, tricks, bills, bad decisions, good decisions, career moves, jobs, relationships....and to have many of them together at one time - a wedge of time represented by friends - well it was cathartic....

The summer is going by so fast, so quick - at the beginning of summer our list of things to do was long, now we have only a few more things.....big things though.
I cancelled my trip to Upstate and Montreal for next weekend - i am just not in a place to enjoy that sort of thing.....and to subject others to that ..well i just think it better to hold off on that....so i will perhaps go by myself in early fall -

instead of going up there this weekend, we have been invited to go to fire island again - for the Pines Party - so we'll go there...its a good place to be, there is nothing more relaxing and soothing to me.....

One last thing -
Pinky has pictures of Jared Leto in NYC, looking so very good,- so very very good - just scroll down his site and you'll find it......
I have had this real bad bad twitch in my pants for Jared Leto, ever since he flew into my life as Jordan Catalono on My So Called Life..........scratch scratch scrath.

uh huh 

just cause... 

and this somehow ended up with my jeans on the floor of the living room............ 

charles and arnout 

mer and me 

so it is.... 

bat shit crazy

one of my clients used this term today, i like it, bat- shit crazy - to indicate when someone has officially lost their shit...dropped their basket.
anyway - as i have reread my entries as of this week, i clearly understand that i am none other than Mister Bat - Shit Crazy (BSC) himself.

So in honor of my birthday - i am going to return to being just plain nate -
not BSC Nate or any form of it.
I dropped my basket this week in a big way, I am now picking it up.... for the follwoing reasons.
my boss just told me i can leave early -
it's my birthday this weekend, we are having a party with 60 or more of our closests friends come celebrate it -
next weekend is going to be hot
Then P town -

it's all good.
signing out for now,
BSC Nate


The invite:
l e o
thirty three years
twelve thousand and forty five days
twenty-third of july two thousand and five saturday
7:00 *** north ******** street
rsvp to ************@aol.com 215 *** ****
kevin nate

no one said it would be easy -

but no one said it'd be this hard.....
(one of my favorite songs, thanks sheryl crow)

two things.

one......one.............one..
if we can pull this damn party off on Saturday I will forget about all my life's little problems and thank god...buddha, or who ever for the help.
We have our entire house torn apart. Our back wall is being re-stuccoed....so there is literally shit everywhere...not a single spot of free space on our back patio....and nothing in order. Our main bathroom is all torn up with drywall being done to the sun- roof thingy. mess mess mess. And to top it off we didn't have any hot water when we woke up today.
The problem with this is, as i have stated, we are having a party this Saturday - we have two parties per year - one at holiday time and one on or near my birthday (which is Sunday the 24th). Lots to do.

two
our telephones here at my office have caller id on them, so that if the call is "in hospital" i know who is calling. I got in here this morning lamenting my anxieties.....my phone rings and the line says
"support services"
the problem is that it rang once and then said support hung up.
please call back.
please.

enjoy the murderous heat folks.
love ya love ya

Pacing

So for some updates.....have been a very very bad bad boy with regard to our updates. The last month has been a really busy and fast one. Starting out with the whole July 4th weekend. We went to Live 8, which was great, for the most part, but which also dealt with a lot of parties and cocktails. It was so damn hot, but well worth it. The crowd was ok, nothing big to report there. The performances, in general, were great. Destiny's Child was terrible. Boucy's voice did not translate well over the speakers and tv screens. Not too sure what that was about, but they only did two or three songs anyway.
The whole Lincoln Park / Jay Z collaboration was smokin hot. ANother moment that didn't really get much coverage was sarah mclachlan and josh groban, they did angel. The entire crowd around us was in tears, very moving.
All in all i can say that the day was one big goosebump. IT was very moving, but then again, i'm just such a big music fag....oh well.

Last weekend we went to Fire Island.
Heaven on earth.
Relaxing, intoxicating,
making all that more unsettling to come home
and get back into life.
In general that is how i have been feeling lately. Unsettled. In very broad sweeping strokes. Evaluating what i am doing with my career, my wants, my direction in life. Not so much in a personal way, but in a very broad way....i cant really describe it in it's entirety, but it's ...well it feels a little anxious, but also a little calming, to be evaluative with one's life choices.
which brings me to this past weekend.
The Philly gay film festival was this past couple weeks. We have been real bad about going to it, even though i swore to myself that i would go to some films. we didn't. Until saturday night. we went to see exposed.....a documentary about the making of a gay porn film called BUCKLEROOS. The only reason we went to it was because we were invited to a private party after the movie where the movie's stars would be in attendence. They were there. So were some other movie type folks. It was a smallish private party at a friend's condo. Anyway it was fun, but more and more it made me think about things...we met the dude who plays Emmett on "Queer as Folk", Peter Paige.
He was really nice, and just......real. Which i wasn't expecting. So were the porn stars too. Dean Phoenix, Owen Hawk, and one other dude were there. They were all very very nice.
But it made me think about my life choices. Where i was. Where i was going. I have always been more of a star fucker, feeling like i belonged in a place like NY or LA. But knowing that I made better decisions on the path i went. My life with kevin, our home, our own hands built our home together, our own hands coming together to make it work out when we need it the most.
I like to talk about my evolutionary process, but i also have to look at it in the context of my relationship....our relationship. Evolution changes things. Five years.
anyway - funny story about that party. I was talking to Owen Hawk, mind you, this is after many many cocktails and very strong ones at that. I was trying to talk to him, and i swear. I had a moment, where my eyes crossed and then rolled back into my head and i almost fell over. I regained my composure for a second and basically ran away from him, totally embarassed....drunk ass mess.
somehow i made it through the rest of the night, but it's been a while since i have gotten that way.
Sunday was hard.
Monday is even harder.
Hopefully Tuesday will show up with some sun, and a little less dampness.
ciao bella.

Objectives

It's always hard to find out what other people may have on their minds, what types of things they are looking for, and more importantly- what are their objectives. I am eternally amazed at the ease with which i assign motives on people, without really knowing what they are truly about and what they are after.
IS this too cryptic? Hells ya it is. But in all honesty - it's not on purpose. I see people in a professional capacity as a therapist. I sit and listen to people, and i realize that motives, and objectives, can always run deeper than you would ever imagine. So very much like a script or tawdry plot for an indecent proposal.
Ver indecent indeed.

in short....this has been the highlight of the year for me....and I think kevin toooooo 

heaven on earth........ 

Another artsy photo....I LOVE THIS ONE>..... 

From up above at the house.... 

Dinner the second night... 

in the pool 

That is noah in the middle of the wave...... 

still raining... 

our first day it poured like a weepy bitch....all day long....but the rest was amazing...even when it rained it was amazing 

Welcome to Fire Island.... 

i saw red...i did 

July 4th on the Parkway...Elton John had just gotten done performing.... 

My artsy shot.........