Friday, July 28, 2006

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

to save you from your own ways

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Somewhere in this world, alan cumming has a few pictures of Kevin and I, with some other boys on his digital. I would like to have him email me those pictures.
So please, alan, if you are reading…..send along would ya?
As well as the one he had taken of an infestation of moths near a patio light.
Sunday night at High Tea we met mr cumming and hung out with him for a bit.
Very interesting and VERY nice. almost so nice you couldn’t really believe it, and he was oh so clever with his little digital camera.

At any rate, I am still feeling a little blue under the collar about trying to adjust back to the “real world”. I think it would help to have another weekend lined up on the island, alas, I am at a loss as to how to do that.

We have been so so so fortunate in being invited up…just not totes sure how to go about scoring a place on our own for a weekend. I know that next year I want a share.

Ugh – I am making myself sick, sorry hookers, I just gotta get through this.
Moving along though, this weekend we have a lot to look forward to, going to our friend’s weekend house, with a pool and sunshine on hand. Perhaps some light summer French catch - up…perhaps some noontime drinky poo…….perhaps a lot of nuffin

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Yes......i was forcing that damn smile on my face. Inside....tears. We were on the ferry, back to life......
I hate hate hate leaving places like Fire Island. Makes nate a very sad boy.... it usually takes me a while to figure it out.
You meet new people, only to have them virtually disappear....until next year, someone actually said that....and that person was living in London...so strange.
But i'm a big emotional fairy. What can i say. Posted by Picasa

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

don't think, just do


my milkshake has always been productive and fruitful.
it has brought many a fine man to my yard. i always seems to have had hot boyfriends and dates....a few minor slip ups here or there, but in general it's always been towards the higher end of the spectrum (whatever that spectrum is...)
Kevin is certainly no erroneous variable. He is tamale - hot.
The thing is....the really odd, and consequential thing about kevin and i, is that when i started to be his man, be his bitch, lover, pet pal.....well things changed for me. I never, ever had problems with who i was, or what i looked like. I never had identity issues or questioned my rating on the gay - good looks scale. Then, it changed, almost over night........i guess into our second year living in philadelphia. My general feeling changed with regard to how i viewed myself. In no way, shape, or form was it kevin's fault .....directly. But here's the deal...when out, or just even walking down the street, people stare, make comments..sometimes the stares are directed towards US, sometimes....the comments are, in fact, based on the pleasantness of our coupledom.....but in general, the cat calls and general behaviors are reserved for kevin.
Which has had an unconcious effect on me.
I am not complaining.....so just stay with me here...
The thing is, that i am slowly going back to my previous self, before i got all caught up in feeling the odd man out. It's been a slow process.....it really has, but i've directly put energy and focus into figuring some of it out. It's still there, and it will always be sort of an issue for me. But at my age, i look better than i ever have. in so many ways i am solid. ok ok...so to my point.

Monday is my birthday. I will be 12.
We are going to Fire Island today after work.

Yesterday in the gym someone (who i have always felt threatened by) came up to me and said that i looked amazing. That all this time in the gym is, in fact, starting to pay off.
Yesterday, for my birthday, my work took me to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch. I ate an enormous chicken salad sandwich, as well as a rather impressive peice of Craig's Carrot Cheesecake.
For dinner, Kevin brought me home a sizeable Chicken Burrito from my favorite place El Fuego.



I won't be eating today, or tomorrow.
But my level of confidence is off the charts honey. Off the fricken charts.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

i'll let you whip me if i misbehave


Morbid mood. Just off - the - charts - bad.
Some days/weeks....you just can't seem to meet in the middle. or even on the same damn line. and some days it just drains any life out of you. This is one of those day....you know, that a girl goes through.


Thats me up above. I'll never be a model.

No symmetry.

Friday, July 14, 2006

cause you shine on me where ever you are


luck. luck. luck. I am so lucky. this is how close i was to her. madge. was in my arms reach. oMg

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

forget your bills, administration...........


I believe this weekend to be the start of our summer.
Kevin disagrees with me and gets irritated when I talk about how boring our summer is, and he is right...last year though we were total jet setters. In an East Coast way (silly little gay i am).
This year we've gone away on Memorial day weekend and that was basically it. Which is fine. But it all starts...now-ish.
Tomorrow night we suffer in 4 Million degree heat to watch miss priss (madge) sing to us...along with 987 Million bum-shovers...and way too much cologne or body spray.....I actually cannot cannot cannot wait.
Saturday we will trudge up to Mahopac, NY for a wedding....which means that we have to cross the George Washington Bridge...which makes my P quiver with anxiety because I have had to sit for hours on that thing.....once there though it will be very very nice. Magazine wedding from what I am told.
Next weekend we will be on Neptune Walk.....which is in.....................................The Pines............which is in........................Fire Island.......which is on................Long Island..............which is in ............New York....
Ah. One might say that Nathan is irrational about his excitement in this matter. I am totally 100% , of the hook, in love, with that place.

And it's my Birthday.
Joooly 24.
In between that Fire Island weekend and August 19th (when we go to Ptown for a whole week) I have to make my way to Florida, as already discussed in the previous post.
As well as get a weekend planned in Rehomo...
Plus an outstanding weekend at our friends farmhouse avec piscine !!
yes.
it all begins.
and i count each minute and am so grateful for this life i have.
and feel happy that i have the capacity to absorb the curve balls.

Monday, July 10, 2006

I don't know what it is, but you've got to do it

In my mind I knew that the time would come to face this.
And please be warned this is not a pretty post, by any stretch...it's really not. And i struggled to decide to write about this here, but i am going to, because, well just because.
I resolved a long time ago to forget about my father. After many many sleepless nights (perhaps a novel one day) I came to understand that the best thing to do was to let go of the worry and the hate.....and just let it be.
A raging alcoholic who smoked enormous amounts of pot my whole childhood, my father was not a great role model. But that was ok. My mother is amazing -- and to be honest, it helped me develop a skill set, as an only child, that i find invaluable in this adult life.

There have been times of sobriety which were pretty amazing to see. A different person altogether. In 1996 i said my last goodbye to him though, when he was shipped off to Florida for treatment for the 4th time in as many years. He had heroin in his veins and that was all that mattered to him. I assume that it was this drug use which hurt him the most, and i know it was this drug that has him fighting for his life now. Hep C is also in him now. And it's not looking great.
On and off from 1996 until last year, i would hear from him from time to time...not really caring to talk to him, but knowing he was alive was nice.
I am not sure what has changed, but this last year i decided, not consciously mind you, to talk to him more. (by more I mean maybe four times in a full year)
The other day on the phone to me, he said "I'm going to miss you son". Its so odd. To hear those words.
I am not truly sure of his prognosis, I think it’s not good, as he is getting Interfuron (SP) next month, and that’s usually a last chance stop for chronic Hep C folks.

I have decided to go see him, no regrets.
I don’t regret that I made the decision to cut him out of my life 8 years ago, quite frankly I don’t even know if there was room for me and herion addiction anyway.
But I think I would regret not seeing him one last time. Because I can, and that chance may no longer be here for me in the future.
So Miami here I come, trying to find cheap flights and a fairly decent place to stay. It's going to be a taxing trip, but one that will pay off in the end.
I am sure of that.

Monday, July 3, 2006

stonger


verification is needed. But can you guess this gay ---strike that out. Guess this guy - guess this guy? I decided to weigh in on this movie, which the guy is in, and let you know that I did, in fact, love it. Many pretty things to look at during the 2 and a half hour movie...many many.
Pleasing.
In other news, the boys at OhLaLaParis linked to one of my entries and i am getting hit all ovah the place. it was a not-so-great entry. The power of a referral, man. Its nuts. At any rate, welcome to those who are just weighing in on our little blog.
alright, by kids, have a good 4th for those in the US.
oh...i'd almost forgotten. anyone heard of a song called Cut, by Plumb. This is a remix of it going around, and it's the shit. Check it out if you get the chance.
Haunting. Thats what I feel from it. Haunted. and Moved.
out!

if all else fails and you long to be something better than you are today.....


I feel cheated in some way. it's not right, and it's not ok either. I speak of my weekend, my July 4th weekend. In years past July 4th marked the height of indulgence. It was the sign of summer.
And although I had yet another pleasant weekend, it wasn't off the hook, pull - your - pants - up fun. In '99 i went to the beach with my best friend Dan, thats Danika is your nasty, and we didn't even have a place to stay, figuring the gods of gay would find us a place to stay....and of course those gods came through. In consequent years Kevin and I have always had good times as well.... This year has been lackluster, a bad performance. On the other hand, thats what I have been pushing for.....less. Less insanity and less intensity. And now that I am here, with less....i don't think it suites me. (also to note, part of the reason it was such a slow weekend was because kevin had to work, his ass off)
Anyway I am stilll evaluating what it means to me. I feel bored in life right now....somewhat. Yet i know that my silly ass can't handle all the times when boring isn't sitting nexxt to me. The times like last summer when i fell off the sane boat for a while. ...when bad decision making has smacked me in the face, ass, and balls.
Yesterday we went to Belmar Beach, NJ. It's sorta got a gay section to it, no traffic getting there, perfect for a day trip really. Once we thought we were so hot and going to burst into flames we decided to drive over to Asbury Park and check out the so-called Gay Revitalization going on there.
Hm?
Hm?
Oddly enough I think we liked it.
So basically there is this hotel, i think it's called The Empress..and in the hotel is a club called Paradise. Its gay gay gay. But it looks like it's in the middle of Beirut.
So it's a hotel, bar and has a pool. Full full full of fags. From what we could tell they were mostly NYC fags. We didn't stay, but it's just so wierd. It's like a scene from your typical gay movie...this little pool with 150 gays jumping in and out of the pool, some tragic......a few decent ones......We might go back, just to do something different. It had energy. But....sometimes energy just aint enough to pay the bills bitch.
suck it-
ridgley

PS (picture is from the movie, Wolf Creek...actors name is Nathan Phillips....hot hot hot)