Morbid mood. Just off - the - charts - bad.
Some days/weeks....you just can't seem to meet in the middle. or even on the same damn line. and some days it just drains any life out of you. This is one of those day....you know, that a girl goes through.
Thats me up above. I'll never be a model.
No symmetry.
luck. luck. luck. I am so lucky. this is how close i was to her. madge. was in my arms reach. oMg
I believe this weekend to be the start of our summer.
Kevin disagrees with me and gets irritated when I talk about how boring our summer is, and he is right...last year though we were total jet setters. In an East Coast way (silly little gay i am).
This year we've gone away on Memorial day weekend and that was basically it. Which is fine. But it all starts...now-ish.
Tomorrow night we suffer in 4 Million degree heat to watch miss priss (madge) sing to us...along with 987 Million bum-shovers...and way too much cologne or body spray.....I actually cannot cannot cannot wait.
Saturday we will trudge up to Mahopac, NY for a wedding....which means that we have to cross the George Washington Bridge...which makes my P quiver with anxiety because I have had to sit for hours on that thing.....once there though it will be very very nice. Magazine wedding from what I am told.
Next weekend we will be on Neptune Walk.....which is in.....................................The Pines............which is in........................Fire Island.......which is on................Long Island..............which is in ............New York....
Ah. One might say that Nathan is irrational about his excitement in this matter. I am totally 100% , of the hook, in love, with that place.
And it's my Birthday.
Joooly 24.
In between that Fire Island weekend and August 19th (when we go to Ptown for a whole week) I have to make my way to Florida, as already discussed in the previous post.
As well as get a weekend planned in Rehomo...
Plus an outstanding weekend at our friends farmhouse avec piscine !!
yes.
it all begins.
and i count each minute and am so grateful for this life i have.
and feel happy that i have the capacity to absorb the curve balls.
In my mind I knew that the time would come to face this.
And please be warned this is not a pretty post, by any stretch...it's really not. And i struggled to decide to write about this here, but i am going to, because, well just because.
I resolved a long time ago to forget about my father. After many many sleepless nights (perhaps a novel one day) I came to understand that the best thing to do was to let go of the worry and the hate.....and just let it be.
A raging alcoholic who smoked enormous amounts of pot my whole childhood, my father was not a great role model. But that was ok. My mother is amazing -- and to be honest, it helped me develop a skill set, as an only child, that i find invaluable in this adult life.
There have been times of sobriety which were pretty amazing to see. A different person altogether. In 1996 i said my last goodbye to him though, when he was shipped off to Florida for treatment for the 4th time in as many years. He had heroin in his veins and that was all that mattered to him. I assume that it was this drug use which hurt him the most, and i know it was this drug that has him fighting for his life now. Hep C is also in him now. And it's not looking great.
On and off from 1996 until last year, i would hear from him from time to time...not really caring to talk to him, but knowing he was alive was nice.
I am not sure what has changed, but this last year i decided, not consciously mind you, to talk to him more. (by more I mean maybe four times in a full year)
The other day on the phone to me, he said "I'm going to miss you son". Its so odd. To hear those words.
I am not truly sure of his prognosis, I think it’s not good, as he is getting Interfuron (SP) next month, and that’s usually a last chance stop for chronic Hep C folks.
I have decided to go see him, no regrets.
I don’t regret that I made the decision to cut him out of my life 8 years ago, quite frankly I don’t even know if there was room for me and herion addiction anyway.
But I think I would regret not seeing him one last time. Because I can, and that chance may no longer be here for me in the future.
So Miami here I come, trying to find cheap flights and a fairly decent place to stay. It's going to be a taxing trip, but one that will pay off in the end.
I am sure of that.
verification is needed. But can you guess this gay ---strike that out. Guess this guy - guess this guy? I decided to weigh in on this movie, which the guy is in, and let you know that I did, in fact, love it. Many pretty things to look at during the 2 and a half hour movie...many many.
Pleasing.
In other news, the boys at OhLaLaParis linked to one of my entries and i am getting hit all ovah the place. it was a not-so-great entry. The power of a referral, man. Its nuts. At any rate, welcome to those who are just weighing in on our little blog.
alright, by kids, have a good 4th for those in the US.
oh...i'd almost forgotten. anyone heard of a song called Cut, by Plumb. This is a remix of it going around, and it's the shit. Check it out if you get the chance.
Haunting. Thats what I feel from it. Haunted. and Moved.
out!
I feel cheated in some way. it's not right, and it's not ok either. I speak of my weekend, my July 4th weekend. In years past July 4th marked the height of indulgence. It was the sign of summer.
And although I had yet another pleasant weekend, it wasn't off the hook, pull - your - pants - up fun. In '99 i went to the beach with my best friend Dan, thats Danika is your nasty, and we didn't even have a place to stay, figuring the gods of gay would find us a place to stay....and of course those gods came through. In consequent years Kevin and I have always had good times as well.... This year has been lackluster, a bad performance. On the other hand, thats what I have been pushing for.....less. Less insanity and less intensity. And now that I am here, with less....i don't think it suites me. (also to note, part of the reason it was such a slow weekend was because kevin had to work, his ass off)
Anyway I am stilll evaluating what it means to me. I feel bored in life right now....somewhat. Yet i know that my silly ass can't handle all the times when boring isn't sitting nexxt to me. The times like last summer when i fell off the sane boat for a while. ...when bad decision making has smacked me in the face, ass, and balls.
Yesterday we went to Belmar Beach, NJ. It's sorta got a gay section to it, no traffic getting there, perfect for a day trip really. Once we thought we were so hot and going to burst into flames we decided to drive over to Asbury Park and check out the so-called Gay Revitalization going on there.
Hm?
Hm?
Oddly enough I think we liked it.
So basically there is this hotel, i think it's called The Empress..and in the hotel is a club called Paradise. Its gay gay gay. But it looks like it's in the middle of Beirut.
So it's a hotel, bar and has a pool. Full full full of fags. From what we could tell they were mostly NYC fags. We didn't stay, but it's just so wierd. It's like a scene from your typical gay movie...this little pool with 150 gays jumping in and out of the pool, some tragic......a few decent ones......We might go back, just to do something different. It had energy. But....sometimes energy just aint enough to pay the bills bitch.
suck it-
ridgley
PS (picture is from the movie, Wolf Creek...actors name is Nathan Phillips....hot hot hot)
today at the gym. i was there for about 45 mintues and went to do the backwards pec deck for my back and shoulders. As i stood there, i looked down and there was a lone brown sock.
I instantly blushed thinking it was mine and it must have been sticking out my shirt or pants, hidden from laundry day in the folds of my shorts...where ever. Completely embarassed. But yet could not confirm whether or not it was my sock. It looked like my sock. had blue lining on the tips like my brown socks. (and i only have two pairs of brown socks....)
I thought to pick it up to...what ? smell it to see if it belonged to me. realizing i couldn't do that...as i a) could not positively identify the sock by it's smell
b) could not smell someone else's sock...thats just frickin gross.
I was in a full fledged dilemma.
In the end, it sits in the gym still i am sure. I have perseverated about that sock all day long. I can't wait to go home and try to figure out if it was mine or some other poor sucker. I think i know it's mine.
Last night i found one of my journals from 1997 -1999. I have been reading it. I will post some deep thoughts from it in the next couple days.
Ridgley -
Out
So this picture. It's how i've felt all week. I have been having something similar to what we'd call dizzy spells. It's mutated. Last week it was just happening in the afternoon for a minute or two at a time. Now it's constant. I went to the doctor's, he goes on vacation today for two weeks, and of course there is nothing to know yet. But it sucks. Brought me to tears yesterday. i also get a numbness in my hands.....so weird. I hate it. all. I can't concentrate at all, it's like I've had too much coffee and everything is all blurry....but it's not coffee and ...oh balls .
Today is a raging headache.
I am trying to be positive though, we'll see. Whatever.
THis weekend we're supposed to go to nyc and also have a party here in philly to say goodbye to a friend who is moving. I took off work on Monday, which is fun and nice and funny nice.
Two things:
Keane's new cd is great
Nelly Fartodo's new cd is great as well.
Better That U Leave is a song i just found, and LOVE !!!
Ain't No Other Man grew on me like fungi. I love it also.
Watched part of Jesus is Magic last night. Funny lady Sara Silverman is.
FUNNY.
Alright sorry for lame postings peeps. Just not feeling well.
Love ya love ya.
N8
i am def into faster kill pussycat buziness. i dig it lots. I also dig the fact that today is wednesday. I also dig benetton's fitted dress shirts. big problem for me has been that sleeve length does not really coordinate with the overall size i wear. my torso wants a medium sized shirt, but my arms dictate a large or more. I know, the short answer to this is to get myself a good tailor, and i do need that, i know. Until then though i am into what united - ness can do for me.
in other news...pleasant is my new word. Life is pleasant right now. The last couple nights have been really nice and ....well just pleasant. Making new friends, dinners with old ones. I do have to say, the weather has everything to do with bright moods and piles of smiles (did i just say that? ) . So, pleasantly I move into summer planning still. It's been more difficult because where i want to schedule every free weekend with a beach or party, here or there, kevin is saying he wants to not be so nutty. Well. I dont' know what to think of that. Incomprehensible i say.
i also say that pork tenderloin with goat cheese is pleasant beyond my comprehension as well.
oh oh oh....yesterday i got the new christina song. i hadn't really gotten it, but yesterday i did, and i love it.
love,
your bad ass.
I cant' help myself. I just can't.
I am excited.
For:
friday
summer plans (parties, the sand, weddings, bodies, Ptown, Fire Island, pride in nyc)
good hair cuts
flip flops
drama
sex
connecting with old friends, making totally new ones
body products
tight clothers
bathing suits - banana slings as hilary calls them
coffee with lots of cream
our back patio
hosting
horseback riding
new rice treats from trader joes that i eat all in one sitting
coconut sorbet from whole foods
lanky accessories
fresh cut gardenias without ants on them
mentha lip shine
red flower body stuff
ginch gonch undies on my man and on me
discovering myself
learning more french
singing at the top of my lungs when i am alone in my house
pretending i am on "so you think you can dance?"
Thats all i know for now.
Oh, except that all week long i get so excited when i get out of the shower to put on my new products that i forget to put deodorant on.
Pit juice is not my friend on work days.
It comes to you at times when you least expect it. When your not really prepared to recieve your mind's thoughts. It's a ghost.
A passport to places you thought were long since gone - or at least you'd convinced yourself that the ghost was scared away and never coming back.
Anyway- somethings hit me in my dreams last night. I know I know...Hokey....but haunting regardless. It was a restless night, the humidity and lack of air conditioning must have gotten to me in ways that i couldn't anticipate.
Or i've gone mad. Stark raving mad i tell you.
Hot as a ball sack up here in my computer room though, Kevin has this nifty little thing, called a lap top.
With a new trinket called a wireless connection. This contraption allows him to sit in comfortable air temperatures downstairs.
I am up on the third floor sweatin on this ole desktop monster.
Just like Helen Keller.
or not.
I keed, I keed.
BTW....I only today realized that i don't have Indigo Girls "rites of passage" on my pod.
the horror. and ignorance really.
and do you think you can dance?
ciao. 
