don't think, just do

my milkshake has always been productive and fruitful.
it has brought many a fine man to my yard. i always seems to have had hot boyfriends and dates....a few minor slip ups here or there, but in general it's always been towards the higher end of the spectrum (whatever that spectrum is...)
Kevin is certainly no erroneous variable. He is tamale - hot.
The thing is....the really odd, and consequential thing about kevin and i, is that when i started to be his man, be his bitch, lover, pet pal.....well things changed for me. I never, ever had problems with who i was, or what i looked like. I never had identity issues or questioned my rating on the gay - good looks scale. Then, it changed, almost over night........i guess into our second year living in philadelphia. My general feeling changed with regard to how i viewed myself. In no way, shape, or form was it kevin's fault .....directly. But here's the deal...when out, or just even walking down the street, people stare, make comments..sometimes the stares are directed towards US, sometimes....the comments are, in fact, based on the pleasantness of our coupledom.....but in general, the cat calls and general behaviors are reserved for kevin.
Which has had an unconcious effect on me.
I am not complaining.....so just stay with me here...
The thing is, that i am slowly going back to my previous self, before i got all caught up in feeling the odd man out. It's been a slow process.....it really has, but i've directly put energy and focus into figuring some of it out. It's still there, and it will always be sort of an issue for me. But at my age, i look better than i ever have. in so many ways i am solid. ok ok...so to my point.

Monday is my birthday. I will be 12.
We are going to Fire Island today after work.

Yesterday in the gym someone (who i have always felt threatened by) came up to me and said that i looked amazing. That all this time in the gym is, in fact, starting to pay off.
Yesterday, for my birthday, my work took me to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch. I ate an enormous chicken salad sandwich, as well as a rather impressive peice of Craig's Carrot Cheesecake.
For dinner, Kevin brought me home a sizeable Chicken Burrito from my favorite place El Fuego.



I won't be eating today, or tomorrow.
But my level of confidence is off the charts honey. Off the fricken charts.