Saturday was my birthday party and it was great. I got a lot of great things, and by great things i mean a lot of friends who show how much they care for me. The gift cards are fab too, but really it's the turn out and the effort people make in assuring my day is special. So thank you to those who came, or to those who wished me well.
It means the world to me.
Kevin, Hilary, Alyssa and Gary did a great job making me embarassed and honored all the same !!!!

what about yourself don't you like?

My Job. My Life.
I sit with people for around 50 minutes and talk to them. All day long, every day. We talk about sad things, we talk about new and happy developments and we talk about very very personal things. It's pretty damn cool. And it's pretty taxing. It gets to be heavy much of the time. Around 90% of the time it's hard conversations about sad things, or difficult things. This time of the year is slow in the counseling business, not all the time....some weeks are more busy than others, but sunshine and sand seem to keep people's minds at bay at least until September. Then it hits, it's like once school begins people decide to chip away at their problems and try to actualize to be better. I mean it's not totally dead in the summer, problems pop up - people break up - drug addiction takes a drastic turn and people die, but in an unspecified general manner, summer is slower. Which is making it much much harder to wait for next week to come, when we'll be on vacation - in the Pines. Please, someone send me a time warp machine.
Thanks.
Nate

Umm.

Just sayin.

Link Larkin........

Ummmmm

(from justjared.com)

the crick was never cracked

as one enters the subway system in philly.

So, welcome to July 27th. Today is my dearly departed big grandmom's birthday. She passed away around 1992 or so. It's been a long time, but she is still in my heart. She is where i get a lot of my sauce from, where i inherited my funny bone, so to speak. She was a constant source of entertainment to those around her, usually at their expense, so it really comes as no surprise that I am like her. She was called big grandmom....because my other set of grandparents were called the Little Ones. Yeah....and when i sit and think about all this, i realize with a little bit of a tear in my eye how rich my life is, and has been. And will be...

Tomorrow night we are having a party...a rather large one in honor of my aging bones and wrinkled forehead. I can't wait. And mostly.....i like anything from JoMalone.com.

Just saying.

Ciao boys and girls.......maybe a post later.....maybe !

girl could get lost tonight.

I snapped this pic on my cell phone, not bad i guess, at one of our fav brunch places, Honey's. Good times.

So, the other night, something happened on the way to irritable. I was intercepted and found myself in Happy. Kevin and I were sitting at a new wine bar, Tria (just new location really) and we were stuffed at the bar area, wishing and hoping for one of the premium tables in the open door ways. Some man next to me leaned over and breathed hot air into my ear and whispered "You have one hot boyfriend". I made no comment and looked the other way. I hate that shit. Don't fucking tell me how hot my man is. I already know, many people have already tried to share that fact with me. I certainly didn't hook up with him 7 years ago because he owned a golden retriever.
So anyway, i get a smite annoyed when someone tells me that, it sorta implies that i won some sort of lottery to be with him. Besides, I'm the one who likes gardenia, I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor.
Anyway, just as i was chugging my rose champagne a table up front opened up, as we ran over to get it the song changed. I melted. It was perfect, it was a Rufus song, I Don't Know What It Is. I looked at Kevin and smiled. I knew it was going to be a good night, that it was going to be a good year. That it was a good life !!!!!!

i can see clearly now

I am totally overwhelmed today by the wonderfulness that is and are my friends and family. I woke up day with messages on my cell phone, work phone and email wishing me well today !!!
Varying degrees of Happy Birthday...cha cha cha. It's a little humbling to have such wonderful people in my life. It's a little piece of clarity that allows me to see things for what they really are. So thank you !!!
The weekend was taken to just chill, we were supposed to be in Fire Island for this past weekend for our first weekend, but our hosts were unable to have us up due to a VERY serious illness. So we took the extended weekend to do not much of anything, just what we needed actually. (and the host is on the mend...thank god).

Anyway, have a nice day kids and we'll talk later.

In case you didn't guess, it's count down time. DoWN

Noah last year in the Pines !!!!

hilary's present for me. (ps - she's jewish and single and sucks a mean matzo ball)

Last year's birthday - fire island ! neptune walk

33rd Birthday, ain't too proud !

Birthdays Past

the hunger

My man and Monday did not go well together. It was like an ill fitting suit. There was a moment though that the earth shifted and things looked a little less shade of grey. And before i describe that moment let me make for sure you understand Kevin's day yesterday. IT WAS HORRIBLE. My little man had almost everything go wrong that could.
And then Happy Hanna introduced herself to us. We were sitting in Washington Square Park debriefing a bit. And up came this woman with pig tails and an accent sounding a bit Romanian or something. She says "Hi, it's your lucky day boys. I am a friendly bubble blowing fairy granting wishes for you, seven wishes. You must wish on them by tomorrow night and they will all come true" She then takes some gypsy lookin bubble blower from around her neck and blow bubbles in our faces. I am not sure if my eyes started watering because of the acid in them or because her insanity was just what we needed to help loosen the pressure valve. She continues talking rapidly and happily and asks us if we're a couple....."we are" "I could tell" And as fast as she came in and swept us away, she was gone without a bubble of a hint.

silly little bubble blowing fairy. Happy Hanna.
and you can bet your ass i've lined up my seven wishes.

set me free, leave me be

When I was a blond.

Anyway. So, Itunes launched this new thing....emerging artist's cds for $6.99. I spent a hot minute looking at what they offered and decided on one. Sara Bareilles, Little Voice. I am blown away. Almost all the tracks are blog worthy, but haunting is a track titled "Gravity" . If you don't check her out, its your own damn fault. So shove it.

I anticipate an amazing weekend. For one, kevin and i are in need of diversions. For sure. We spend a great deal of time together and sometimes......it's hard. Um. Yeah. So we have a jam packed weekend of fun. Nice dinner tonight at our fav restaurant, Mercato. Tomorrow during the day we plan to hit a beach somewhere.....it looks to be a stell-ahhhhr day. Then an early party for the Philadelphia Fag Film Festival. Sorta exclusive party, which we 've gone to in past years, and which ultimately jammed me up in a serious way (my how i've grown) and it's a fun party for sure. A nice weekend for nice men. That's what i know today my darlings. Other than i've decided to train to do Philly's Distance Run in the fall. Which means lots of running for Natey. Which means more serenity. Which means.........you all get much better quality. From Me.

chance connections and missed vibe

"CUT !!! No good, Re-shoot the scene...."

That is what i wanted to someone to scream out to me yesterday while I shooting one of the scenes that made up my day yesterday. Like....can't i get another chance at that conversation, can't i get another try? I can do better Mr. DeMille...i promise. Give me another shot.

Alas, there is no such thing in life, and we are left with some humiliating moments, or some communication which doesn't really convey what you are feeling....and you wish, that you could really have another go at relaying what you truly, deeply...want to .

So, now i sit with the daunting task of trying to determine how to make better that which didn't go as i'd wanted. Hmmm.
Uhhhh?
I guess the best thing to do is accept and surrender to the fact that as far as yesterday goes...that curtain is down and closed.
It's a new day, a new scene....with a new scene partner.

from boat house row

On Saturday night we went to a fab party in one of the rowing boathouses, Vesper, the party was very nice, and very sweet. We also indulged in some Pure, which was another beast all together. Some times i've liked going there, but most recently i've hated it. We both woke up on Sunday feeling like we don't really need to do go there much more, that we're sick of it...which is nice that we're both on the same page so to speak. yes, i'd be much happier playing blackjack in vegas.

past time

Toasters

It's hard doing this all the time. Trying to be something more, trying to make it better. I just wish, for a minute, a single solitary minute that i could just be. No attempts to be thinner, or more motivated or more better in my relationship, or a more better son. In general i view motivation as positive. But on certain seconds of certain days i have a glimpse that my motivation, my drive....is maladaptive. something i'm not. I am not model beautiful......but i trick myself into thinking that i could become that way, that i could maybe hit that mark someday, if i workout harder, or i do a triathlon......or even buy the right jeans.......or if i concede to kevin in his requests more that i'd be a better boyfriend. its stupid really. I know it is. But it's me, right now anyway. And i don't like it much. I want to be me, a better version of me maybe, but i've sorta gotten lost and i can't seem to see the way to normal. or maybe normal moved, who knows. i just fatigue of it all, on certain seconds, only on certain days.
Today is one of those days. Spawned by a picture taken which resembles Tracy Turnblat....i've spiraled down. Fatigued.
anyway, if you see me, somewhere wandering, point me in the direction to my true thing, would ya?

and lastly.
People always say you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster, or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like -- a moment, where being myself, and my life right where I am is, like, enough. Angela Chase (My So -Called Life)

serenity

two tickets

Our extended weekend is over. We drove up North on Friday and came back early yesterday. It was an amazing visit. I am truly relaxed, totally exhausted, but totally relaxed. We wound up going to Montreal only one night, and what a night it was. As we walked down Rue St. Catherine we bumped into five guys from Philly. can you believe it ? Anyway, it was fun, we slept a little in the car before crossing the border again (canadian beer is strong people)....Anyway, it was a good time..pictures to follow later.

Yesterday we went to a few bbq's and today i am a little slow, but surviving. Am looking forward to a nice slow Friday night. We haven't been to the gym in a week, and it feels wierd, but again...surviving.

Also in Montreal is an awesome casino. We stopped by there and i won money again...around $400. this luck !!