Toasters

It's hard doing this all the time. Trying to be something more, trying to make it better. I just wish, for a minute, a single solitary minute that i could just be. No attempts to be thinner, or more motivated or more better in my relationship, or a more better son. In general i view motivation as positive. But on certain seconds of certain days i have a glimpse that my motivation, my drive....is maladaptive. something i'm not. I am not model beautiful......but i trick myself into thinking that i could become that way, that i could maybe hit that mark someday, if i workout harder, or i do a triathlon......or even buy the right jeans.......or if i concede to kevin in his requests more that i'd be a better boyfriend. its stupid really. I know it is. But it's me, right now anyway. And i don't like it much. I want to be me, a better version of me maybe, but i've sorta gotten lost and i can't seem to see the way to normal. or maybe normal moved, who knows. i just fatigue of it all, on certain seconds, only on certain days.
Today is one of those days. Spawned by a picture taken which resembles Tracy Turnblat....i've spiraled down. Fatigued.
anyway, if you see me, somewhere wandering, point me in the direction to my true thing, would ya?

and lastly.
People always say you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster, or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like -- a moment, where being myself, and my life right where I am is, like, enough. Angela Chase (My So -Called Life)