Pacing

So for some updates.....have been a very very bad bad boy with regard to our updates. The last month has been a really busy and fast one. Starting out with the whole July 4th weekend. We went to Live 8, which was great, for the most part, but which also dealt with a lot of parties and cocktails. It was so damn hot, but well worth it. The crowd was ok, nothing big to report there. The performances, in general, were great. Destiny's Child was terrible. Boucy's voice did not translate well over the speakers and tv screens. Not too sure what that was about, but they only did two or three songs anyway.
The whole Lincoln Park / Jay Z collaboration was smokin hot. ANother moment that didn't really get much coverage was sarah mclachlan and josh groban, they did angel. The entire crowd around us was in tears, very moving.
All in all i can say that the day was one big goosebump. IT was very moving, but then again, i'm just such a big music fag....oh well.

Last weekend we went to Fire Island.
Heaven on earth.
Relaxing, intoxicating,
making all that more unsettling to come home
and get back into life.
In general that is how i have been feeling lately. Unsettled. In very broad sweeping strokes. Evaluating what i am doing with my career, my wants, my direction in life. Not so much in a personal way, but in a very broad way....i cant really describe it in it's entirety, but it's ...well it feels a little anxious, but also a little calming, to be evaluative with one's life choices.
which brings me to this past weekend.
The Philly gay film festival was this past couple weeks. We have been real bad about going to it, even though i swore to myself that i would go to some films. we didn't. Until saturday night. we went to see exposed.....a documentary about the making of a gay porn film called BUCKLEROOS. The only reason we went to it was because we were invited to a private party after the movie where the movie's stars would be in attendence. They were there. So were some other movie type folks. It was a smallish private party at a friend's condo. Anyway it was fun, but more and more it made me think about things...we met the dude who plays Emmett on "Queer as Folk", Peter Paige.
He was really nice, and just......real. Which i wasn't expecting. So were the porn stars too. Dean Phoenix, Owen Hawk, and one other dude were there. They were all very very nice.
But it made me think about my life choices. Where i was. Where i was going. I have always been more of a star fucker, feeling like i belonged in a place like NY or LA. But knowing that I made better decisions on the path i went. My life with kevin, our home, our own hands built our home together, our own hands coming together to make it work out when we need it the most.
I like to talk about my evolutionary process, but i also have to look at it in the context of my relationship....our relationship. Evolution changes things. Five years.
anyway - funny story about that party. I was talking to Owen Hawk, mind you, this is after many many cocktails and very strong ones at that. I was trying to talk to him, and i swear. I had a moment, where my eyes crossed and then rolled back into my head and i almost fell over. I regained my composure for a second and basically ran away from him, totally embarassed....drunk ass mess.
somehow i made it through the rest of the night, but it's been a while since i have gotten that way.
Sunday was hard.
Monday is even harder.
Hopefully Tuesday will show up with some sun, and a little less dampness.
ciao bella.